Boortz's commentary on his inability to use a floor buffer: "I would make a lousy Mexican"

On the April 10 edition of his nationally syndicated radio show, Neal Boortz asserted, "I would make a lousy Mexican." Engineer and "sidekick" Royal Marshall asked Boortz: "Why is that?" Boortz responded, "Well, because I wanted to scrub the hangar floor the other day, so I went and rented one of these big buffers," later adding: "I turned on that buffer, and it damn near killed me! It was dragging me across the hangar floor, throwing me around like I -- it was like a dog shaking a cat or something like that. You know, that's skilled labor."

Later in the show, a caller recounted a story, saying he "was in a parking lot and witnessed a wreck on the road. And it was one of the illegals from south of the border and didn't have insurance. He ran, came into the parking lot, and was going to run my wife and myself down to get away from the police. But I was carrying a weapon; my son was carrying a weapon. We both drew down on him." Boortz interrupted, "Qué pasa? Qué pasa?" The caller said the man "got out of the truck spouting Spanish." After the caller finished his story, Boortz commented, "You know, I think with this Rosetta Stone software -- you know, Spanish-language software -- I think the first phrase they teach you is, you know, 'Hands against the -- hands against the car and hood, and spread 'em.' "

From the April 10 edition of Cox Radio Syndication's The Neal Boortz Show:

BOORTZ: No. I think no, Tiger Woods will not win the Masters.

MARSHALL: OK, good. I stand alone, and on Monday, I want you all to say, "You were right, Royal."

BOORTZ: Hey, we can do more than that. You got some cash?

MARSHALL: I'm tired of betting with you.

BOORTZ: Why?

MARSHALL: I still have to wash your damn plane -- which I still think I won that bet.

BOORTZ: About the airplane taking off on the treadmill?

MARSHALL: Because the remote control plane did not fly. The big plane flew. So it's 50-50. I should only have to wash one-half of the plane.

BOORTZ: Oh, yeah, wash one wing.

MARSHALL: Yeah.

BOORTZ: Yeah. That's gonna work. That's gonna work. And speaking of that, like I told you the other day, I would make a lousy Mexican.

MARSHALL: Why is that?

BOORTZ: Well, because I wanted to scrub the hangar floor the other day, so I went and rented one of these big buffers.

MARSHALL: Yeah.

BOORTZ: You know? You hold the handle? I put the brush on it, I put the water down, I got -- and I turned on that buffer, and it damn near killed me! It was dragging me across the hangar floor, throwing me around like I -- it was like a dog shaking a cat or something like that. You know, that's skilled labor.

BELINDA SKELTON (producer): Was it just pulling you through the hangar?

BOORTZ: Oh, it was just thrashing me all around. That's skilled labor, folks. OK, we'll be back.

[...]

BOORTZ: I don't want to go out there with a concealed weapon looking -- and I'm not assigning this to you -- but I don't want to out there looking for the opportunity to be a hero and use that gun to save somebody from a beating or what-have-you. But if the occasion ever arises, I at least want to be in a position to do something other than say, "Hey, you -- stop that."

CALLER: Well, you know, that happened to me recently. I was in a parking lot and witnessed a wreck on the road. And it was one of the illegals from south of the border and didn't have insurance. He ran, came into the parking lot, and was going to run my wife and myself down to get away from the police. But I was carrying a weapon; my son was carrying a weapon. We both drew down on him. He stopped, oh --

BOORTZ: Qué pasa? Qué pasa?

CALLER: [inaudible] the police?

BOORTZ: Qué pasa?

CALLER: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was it. He got out of the car -- or actually it was a pick-up -- got out of the truck spouting Spanish, and I'll tell you, that wasn't it, you know, by that time [inaudible] --

BOORTZ: Did he have the sense to lay down on the road and --

CALLER: My son knows enough Spanish to handle that part of it. And once that took over -- he took over, he's a policeman, you know -- he knew. But no, he didn't have insurance, he didn't have, you know, license, whatever --

BOORTZ: You know, I think with this Rosetta Stone software -- you know, Spanish-language software -- I think the first phrase they teach you is, you know, "Hands against the -- hands against the car and hood, and spread 'em."

CALLER: Right. That -- it should be. But I agree. I don't believe they should have the right to search your car. I mean, they don't have the right to search your car for anything else --

BOORTZ: That is -- that's an interesting point. Your employer ought to have -- your employer ought to have to go through the same, the same procedures that a law enforcement should have to go to before they search your car.

—A.C.S.